Howdy, friend! Say, do you happen to have any stain remover? As you can see, I’ve spilled tomato soup all over my work clothes.

I can be such a klutz sometimes! I was just holding a bucket of tomato soup and somehow it overturned, pouring its bright red contents onto my nice white shirt. Call me Mr. Butterfingers!

Yeah, I know it doesn’t really look like tomato soup, but that’s because it’s a special kind. It was Progresso, I think. Yep, a big old bucket of Progresso tomato soup is what I’m covered in.

I wouldn’t bother questioning my account - it’d just be a waste of time.

I can see that your eye is being drawn to the bulge in my breast pocket. No big deal, people are curious. Here, you can see for yourself. Just two severed human fingers.

It’s an old tradition in my family, we use severed human fingers to stir our tomato soup. It’s helpful for times when you don’t have a spoon handy. My family’s been doing this since they came from the old world.

Romania, I believe.

I don’t know what that noise is either. Probably just a tornado siren.

I know what that sound definitely isn’t. It isn’t the sound of a dying fingerless man lying facedown in an alley a few blocks over.

Yeah, I know it’s weird that I would say that. I guess I just don’t operate the same way as everybody else. I’m think you’ll find I’m pretty unique. I suppose that’s why I watch so much anime.

Well, anyway, if you don’t have any stain remover, I should probably be on my way. I’m in a bit of a hurry. Thanks for your help!