At this time, the John Larroquette Project would like to pass along congratulations to my sister’s boyfriend Matthew, who turns 30 tomorrow.

Here is a picture of him that Julia passed along:

Hmmm… That isn’t the best picture, is it? Perhaps some sort of physical description of him is in order.

Matthew is a nice man with a delightful disposition and a fondness for friendship. Compared with me, he is somewhat short. I do not hold this against him, however. It’s just that he looks like some sort of mutant albino pygmy. Good guy, though.

He has a kind, giving face with ruddy cheeks and firm lips, like a botoxed raccoon. I mean that as a compliment.

I can just see him now - reading this post, with his expressionless eyes flitting back and forth nervously, his wizened snout curling in mild satisfaction. Wherever you are, Matthew, I hope you’re enjoying this post. God knows you need something positive in your life.

Happy birthday, buddy. No hugs though, because that would be weird.