This is my last post of May, 2007.

What a waste.

I feel like I really squandered this month of blogging. I didn’t bear in mind that ownership of the JLP is a privilege, not a right. As such, I spent spare moments slapping together bizzare, tangental ramblings with little merit supplemented with pictures of cats pleasuring themselves. Is this really why I started this website? What have I become? I fear have betrayed my very soul.

Oh well. I can’t go back and re-write this month’s posts. All I can do is finish strong. I can pour all that I am into this very post in hopes that somehow, some way, I can be redeemed.

We all know there’s only one way to make this happen.

…

What’s up with ALF? Do you remember that show?

Remember how he tried to eat the cat all the time, and how he always sassed back to Willy, his earthly guardian? If you ask me, ALF wrote the book on hijinks!

I wish that show would have shown us ALF barfing. I feel like that would have been an interesting plotline to pursue. Just have him puke a whole bunch of times, and the whole family tries to help him, but nobody can stop it. Maybe the ‘B’ story could have been about little Brian being bullied at school. But mostly, it would just have been ALF barfing.

…

I still got it! Ain’t no stopping us now!

See you in hell, May 2007!

I love all of you. As a display of my affection, please watch this brand new Rock TV.

This was one of those videos that I didn’t feel particularly confident in until fairly late in the process. Throughout the writing stage it seemed a bit scattered to me, and when we shot it, I remember feeling like we were fighting for laughs. However, it was always clear the the other people on the team were really behind it, and the early feedback we got was positive. Once we were editing, the video seemed to gel and I could relax knowing that the laughs were there. My instincts were further proved wrong when it went over very well at the Rock on Friday. Much credit for that should go to Ted for the hunter scenes he carried. Just really funny stuff, in my opinion.

The concept was pitched by Thom and Ted, and if I remember correctly, it originally had a lot more to do with the geek/nerd differentiation that we kinda breeze through in the final version of the video. We shot a whole segment about the public confusion between geeks and nerds, with a bunch of fun pedestrian interviews that may never see the light of day.

Favorite bits of this video for me:
-grabbing the National Geographic theme from an old junior high geography video
-Leroy’s “World of Warcraft” bit, which was improvised
-Ted “feeding” Leroy at the end

This version of the video is slightly different than the one that played at the Rock. It has an extra 15 second scene that we liked, but we cut for time considerations.

Enjoy!

The following conversation took place last night as I stared down our cat while holding a hammer.

BRIDGETTE: (annoyed) Peter, what are you doing?

ME: I’m showing Franklin who’s in charge.

BRIDGETTE: Well I’m in charge, and I forbid you from beating our cat with a hammer.

ME: (walking away) Fine.

I was forced to concede that particular battle to my wife, but rest assured, a time will come when I’ll be home alone with the cat. She can’t protect him forever. I’ll make certain he gets the message that I’m the boss.

At least when Bridgette’s not around.

I have not received any emails yet today. Nobody has called me.

I am lonely!

Please contact me and tell me about yourself. I am looking for a kind, open friendship.

I enjoy laughter!

I am specifically looking to make friends with somebody named Jeffrey. If your name is Jeffrey, please find me and make friends with me. I will be waiting at the Burger King by the freeway. You will be able to identify me by the Burger King crown I will be wearing, and the blood draining from my right nostril.

Take me to the beach!

This Friday is my school’s field day, where we cancel classes for the afternoon and go outside to have fun with our students as a school. It’s normally a good opportunity for goofy bonding and it’s always a pleasure to force unathletic children to participate in rigorous team sports.

At a recent staff meeting, the organizers asked if we had any activity suggestions. I offered to organize a game of smear the queer.

Apparently that game is frowned upon in educational circles these days…

I then tried to avoid embarassment by suggesting we play another favorite game of mine, “Ethnic Hatred”. That wasn’t so popular either, not even the tackle version.

Anyway, long story short, I don’t work there anymore.

I brought a cupcake to work with me to have as a snack today.

I was thinking of eating it around 10:15 or so. What do you think? Should I do it? What would you give me if I ate it?

Really? Nothing? Why not?!

Fine. You suck.

I think I’ll eat it anyway. I’ll eat it for free, as the old saying goes.

Whatever. Maybe that isn’t an actual saying. It probably should be though. It’s catchy and oft-applicable.

I tried to coin an idiom a few years ago – “That’s pig rape for you!”. It never really caught on like I hoped it would. I thought of it after I saw a pig getting date raped one time. It was awful listening to that. People didn’t seem to grasp the significance of the phrase though. They generally seemed to be offended by it and our conversations ground to an awkward halt.

Anyway, back to my point. I’ve got a cupcake in my desk drawer waiting for 10:15 to roll around. When the bell tolls I’m going to suck that fluffy bastard down. I’m going to punish it with my teeth, dissolve its essence in my stomach acids, and make it regret it was ever baked.

And that, my friends, is pig rape for you!