A memo to the Oscar, the cat making headlines by predicting which nursing home patients are about to die:

Hey buddy, predicting imminent death in a nursing home is like shooting fish in a barrel.

If you really want to impress me, try out your little stunt stunt at a little league game or McDonalds Playland.

Come my children, and nuzzle in the warmth of another new Rock TV.

Initially I was a bit uncomfortable with the concept of this video because I didn’t want it to become a satire on pastors themselves. What made it click for me is when the writing team turned it around and started to develop it as a satire on people’s expectations of pastors. Suddenly I felt we were on fertile comedic ground and it moved forward quickly.

The problem with satirizing reality television is that you end up replicating the worst parts of those shows. We worried that the middle portion of this video (with the judges comments) became a bit too “talky”, but there wasn’t much we could do. We shortened it quite a bit while trying to leave in as much funny stuff as we could. Christine’s “don’t shop at TJ Maxx anymore” line remains a personal favorite.

Toward the end of the video, we cut to a commercial. This was a late suggestion from our technical team to try to copy the reality format. While we were worried about the video’s length, it became a fun excuse to put together a goofy, unrelated bit. It ended up being my favorite part of this video, thanks in large part to Leroy’s performance as a fire-starting skeptic. (You can view the commercial as a stand-alone here.)

Other favorite bits:
-Todd reprising the role of Vance Chickerson (from Revelation 9:11)
-The Beaker prop that Arlene Pickett made from scratch.
-The fact that Jasper Stax, in demonstrating how hip and relevant he is, has different clothing and facial hair every time we see him (this was a great suggestion from Matt Terry, the actor who played him).

Enjoy!

Here’s what popped up when I did a Google image search for “troll rape”:

Wow. That’s nightmarish. Imagine that fellow having his way with you, huh? I guess if there’s a plus side to it, he’d definitely stick out in a police line-up.

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Here’s what came up for “Octagon Delights”:

Huh. I suppose that makes sense. Not sure how delightful it is, but the octagon part is quite accurate.

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“Goat scepter”:

Okay. That seems about right. Let’s move on.

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How about something innocuous - let’s try “pickle”:

I see. A teenaged, mentally-retarded pickle with some sort of hip disfigurement attempting to eat an oversized sub sandwich and napkin. That is genuinely unpleasant to look at. This must be an artifact from some aborted marketing campaign. At least let’s hope it was aborted. What focus group in the world could react positively to this image?!

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And lastly, “Forlorn foam”:

I really don’t know what to say about this image, other than that my search was somehow completely accurate.

Bravo, Google image search!

On Saturday, I spent my birthday with my wife’s family in the fine northern town of Ely, MN. We looked through quaint antique shops, saw tourists from many parts of the country, and drove around some beautiful lake country. In other words, a whole afternoon of pure, unfiltered donkey excrement.

On the plus side, while walking out of a cheap Italian restaurant, I did pass by Will Steger.

That seemed about right since basically the only thing I knew about Ely was that that’s where Will Steger is from.

At any rate, I nodded to him warmly, and he firmly palmed my buttocks in return. His cheeks were rugged and stubbly, and his breath was warm and fragrant. As Bridgette looked on fondly, I hesitantly pulled away from Steger’s tender embrace. At that brief moment, he whispered something beautiful into my ear and disappeared into the diner as quickly as he had appeared.

Then we went to Dairy Queen.

Over the weekend, as Bridgette and I were preparing to have guests over to our house, we made our way over to Aldi to get some sodapops and snacky crisps. Midway down the cookie aisle, I noticed a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was neither fear nor apprehension, just a forboding unpleasantness brought on by my surroundings.

I turned to my left and found the source of my unease.

Now, you may be saying to yourself, “Peter, surely a pound an a half of moderately satisfying fig bars is nothing to get startled about. Hell, your grotesque obsession with Fig Newtons is the stuff of legend. It is perhaps your most appealing characteristic.” To those people, I firmly nod my head in assent. No, the generic fig-treats were the least of my worries (and 1.5 pounds is merely childs play). The problem instead lay with the packaging.

Let’s take a closer look, shall we? Who is the maker of these off-brand, fig-based morsels?

Yikes. No thank you, Daddy Ray.

Who the hell designed this? Seriously, Daddy Ray is some hideous combination of a pre-war Southen plantation owner and an Amish clown. On top of that, his nose looks like it was twisted and mangled in a corn thresher. Who suggested the hair color? Does Daddy Ray live near the site of the Chernobyl disaster?

Anyway, long story short, the Daddy Ray’s fig-nibbles were a big hit at the party, and in the middle of the night I ended up writing a highly emotional, 22-page letter to Daddy Ray himself to thank him.

I have no regrets.

I am writing this from the parking lot of a Caribou Coffee in order to use their free wi-fi. This way I do not have to purchase a beverage!

Sweet, free wireless connection! So precious in your speed and lack of security! Truly I tell you, there is no feeling like that of slightly ripping off a coffee chain.

There is a man in a nearby car who just made eye contact with me. Who is he? Does he see what I’m doing? Is he a scout from Starbucks? Is he an internet thief like me? Does he hope to somehow lure me into the back seat of his car and initiate some sort of physical intimacy? I am uneasy with this scenario.

I just gave him the finger. So much for that dude. Chalk another one up for me (Peter: 900, Everybody Else: 4).

By the way, the other great thing about stealing wi-fi is that it automatically makes your blog entries hilarious. It is literally impossible to dispute that statement.