Television’s Alan Thicke
Hi there folks. I’m television’s Alan Thicke.
Remember when I lovingly reared Mike, Carol, and Ben Seaver on Growing Pains? Did you notice how I always seemed to have an attitude of leisurely bemusement at the antics of my kids? Remember how I also took care of that girl that showed up during the later seasons for some reason? I remember all those things. I think about them pretty much every day.
Nowadays I make promotional appearances at casinos in exchange for poker chips.
Look at me now:
When did I grow a beard? I don’t even remember growing a beard! What the hell has happened to me?! I look like a stunt double for Kenny Rogers!
By the way, do you think Kenny would be interested in doing some promotional appearances with me? I bet we could get free drinks if we joined up.
Do you want to have me appear at your gathering? I do graduations, first communions, and bar mitzvahs all the time. You just tell me where to be, and I’ll be there. I’ll do some gladhanding, slap some backs, and smile my winning grin for up to three hours. You can pay me in cash or whatever else you’re comfortable with. Last night I did a gig for Wendy’s gift certificates. I’m kind of pathetic.
No? Not interested? Hey, it’s no biggie. I’m television’s Alan Thicke, after all. Things will start looking up any time now, I’m sure.
If you change your mind, I’ll be sitting in the back of the McDonalds across the street nursing a Diet Coke for the next six hours.
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Alan Thicke performed at a friends party to celebrate their kid’s fifth birthday party. It got real weird after he urinated on th their TV. Then some kid asked what Growing Pains was Thicke set the kid on fire. It was uncomfortable.
I went to IMDB to offer a stunning counterargument, and my browser directed me to the page regarding the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movie that is coming out for some reason. The movie nobody was waiting for.
Finally! Alvin’s back!
Is Thicke in on that action? Is it too late?
I see dead careers. They’re everywhere. Only, they don’t know they’re dead.
Did you know he was Spielberg’s first choice for Schindler’s List?
Can you even imagine worse casting?
Can you imagine a worse career decision than turning down that role?
Okay, so this tidbit is apparently true. According to IMDB, Thicke turned down the role over, I kid you not, creative differences. Also, Steven Spielberg apparently asked Robin Williams to record some comedic interludes on account of the depressing nature of the film. What?
You made me this way, Alan. You’re going to hell.
You made me this way, Kirk. For that, I will always cherish you.
This is the funniest post I have read in some time.
You’re damn right it is.