Hey, buddy. Yeah, you. Come over here.

Hurry up. Come stand next to me.

Wanna look at my duckbucket?

Check it out. I took a regular metal bucket and filled it with ducks. Now it’s a duckbucket. Pretty sweet huh?

They’re still because they’re dead. Most of them are dead, anyway. I basically mutilated them. Ain’t no duckbucket if all the ducks run away.

Don’t walk away. Stay with me. Here, hold my duckbucket for a while. Heavy, huh? I also put a brick in there. Then I covered it with ducks.

Don’t you just hate ducks? The way they walk around so slow and follow each other? Yeah, me too. I hate ducks so much. I haven’t been able to sleep in four days - I got ducks on the mind.

Do you have any ideas what I should do with this duckbucket? I’ve been carrying it around for a couple days, now. It’s getting kinda heavy and stinky. Should I put more ducks in it? Do you have any ducks I could use for a while?

The last thing my father said to me was that I’d never make anything of myself, that I’d never amount to anything and I’d spend my days working menial jobs in exchange for half-eaten cheeseburgers. Now I’ve got a bunch of ducks in a damned bucket. Take that, Dad.

Okay friend, I should probably get going. I’m running late. I need to get to city hall, where Minneapolis mayor R.T. Rybak is introducing me as the new Fire Chief. I’m going to show everybody my ducks.

Come, my children, and wallow in the depravity of another new Rock TV!

(if you’re having trouble with the video freezing, just pause the player and let the video load entirely)

Doing a Halloween video was something new for our team, and the writing team had a blast poking fun at all the typical conventions of horror movies. I particularly enjoy Ted’s performance as The Old Man At The Gas Station who warns the reckless teens of imminent danger.

Shooting this video was a real chore because of the amount of lighting setups needed, but the performances were great, and in the end the video is better for having taken our time. All the driving and exterior shots of the cabin were shot while hanging out at my grandparents’ cabin back in August. Another tidbit worth noting is that the entire production of this video was videotaped for a making-of-Rock TV documentary that we’ll finish up with in early 2008. Stay tuned for more details on that…

In the end, my favorite bits from this video:
-The “teen” dialogue (”Spliff me some Twizzlers.” “Crush on these, dude!”)
-Kevin’s hypnotically bizarre performance as the Exposition Guy, there to provide pointless backstory.
-Ted’s “best supporting actor” line.
-The final shot, which is easily the darkest ending in the 8-year history of Rock TV.

Enjoy - we’ll have another new one finished in just a couple weeks!

If you could have just a single lollipop-wish, what would it be?

A forever cuddle? A sherbet snuggle? A raspberry straddle?

I personally wouldn’t wish for any of those things (though I would love to give you one, if you are willing!). I personally wish that every crow on the planet earth would simultaneously explode. I think that would be the bee’s knee. Can you imagine the sound of that? It would be like the Meat Flop times a million. Wouldn’t it be neat to see a whole line of crows sitting on a power line suddenly just pop? All their guts and beak fragments would softly fall to the ground like rain from hell. Grown men would shriek in terror and mothers would pull their children off the streets. Global warming would be cited. It would be awesome.

It is true that wishes are magical gifts from the universe, like newborn puppies or the pope. So tonight, when the stars begin to twinkle in the night sky, close your eyes, and wish with me. Don’t wish selfishly for firmer buttocks or a cure for cancer, instead wish along with me that a whole bunch of crows would blow up and spray all over a bunch of dudes. Don’t tell anybody. Don’t even whisper it! Only in our mind’s eye can we imagine such happiness!

If it doesn’t work, I’ll cut you.

NOTE: This post was inspired by an idiot I heard on the radio on my way in to work.

You know what I hate? Women drivers.

Am I right here, guys? You know what I’m talking about? Women, when they drive, they’re just idiots! Just stupid idiots with emotions!

Seriously, last week I saw a lady driving, and she was putting on her lipstick! Can you believe that? On top of that, while she was applying her lipstick, she repeatedly ran over child while looking me directly in the eye. I’ll admit - I was a little bothered by it. You want to know what really bugs me though? That woman was Gloria Steinem. The child she ran over? Home Alone-era Macaulay Culkin.

Hey fellas, we’ve all seen it. Women on the road, swerving around irrationally while ululating their high-pitched shrieks of insanity. I mean, who among us hasn’t enjoyed a hearty chuckle at their simple-minded reasoning and inability to prepare us a properly succulent roast beef dinner? Having said that, women drivers are no laughing matter. Every year, 4 million children probably contract diabetes as a result of women drivers. That is literally worse than the Darfur atrocities.

If you ask me, Saudi Arabia got it right when they made it illegal for women to drive. That’s the limit of my knowledge of Saudi Arabia, but I’ll go ahead and assume that everything else about that country and its government is up to snuff.

I say its about time we do something about women drivers. Who’s with me? Let’s march on D.C. and accuse the corporate media of underreporting the number of people marching alongside us! Let’s build the dream of a single, safer America and a bridge to tomorrow!

And while we’re at it, let’s do something about all the Filipinos!

Girl, be still. Listen to my words of love for you.

Although we’ve come to the end of the road, still I can’t let you go. It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you. Come to the end of the road. Still I can’t let you go. It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you.

Girl I’m here for you. All those times of night when you just hurt me, and just run out with that other fella - baby I knew about it, I just didn’t care. You just don’t understand how much I love you, do you?

I’m here for you.

Although we’ve come to the end of the road, still I can’t let you go. It’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you.

I’m not out to go out and cheat on you all night (just like you did baby) but that’s all right. Hey, I love you anyway, and I’m still gonna be here for you ’till my dying day, baby. Right now, I’m just in so much pain, baby, because you just won’t come back to me.

Will you? Just come back to me. Come back to meeeeeeeeaah!!!

Yes baby, my heart is lonely.
(lonely)
My heart hurts baby.
(lonely)
Yes I feel pain too.
Baby please! Unnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngh! Ooooooooohhhaaaaaaaaunnnngh!

P.S. This post was written for Thom.

As most of you know, the JLP’s influence over this great land is pervasive and unstoppable, like Manifest Destiny on meth.

In support of this preposterous and untenable claim, I offer you this photograph, taken from a Rainbow Foods flyer we got in the mail on Saturday.

From what I can make out, this abomination of a sandwich contains five hamburger patties, two tomato slices, three hunks of lettuce, three slices of cheese, nine or ten pickles, mayo, mustard, onions, six buns, and bacon. Dear lord, are these people actually marketing directly to me and this site’s readers? This monstrosity makes turducken look like a Weight Watchers product.

Seriously though, what the hell is that thing? Is it even food? It looks more like an ill-advised Jenga spinoff to me. Don’t get me wrong, few people in this world love hamburgers more than myself, but the sheer artery-destroying power of this sucker genuinely terrifying.

Still, I’ve got to hand it to Rainbow’s advertising folks. Either they have some sort of focus group data I’m unaware of or they just took a “what the hell” approach and went as far overboard as they could go. I mean, does this appeal to people? Of course it appeals to me, but it’s been well established that my attitudes on such matters are outside the mean. Hell, I’ll wake up at 3am just to eat some beef jerky for a while.

Kudos to you, Rainbow foods. Your preposterous advertising has momentarily endeard me to your stores. We still won’t shop at your stores though. We don’t buy groceries, just on general principle.