Hello, my friends, and good morning.

As you know, yesterday was Armistice Day, a celebration of the glorious conclusion of World War I. The armistice signed on November 11th, 1918 and the subsequent Treaty of Versailles would be remembered as a sound, just conclusion to the Great War, sure to resolve the fundamental problems of Europe and the world.

At least, I assume that’s the case. I’ll be honest, I haven’t studied world history beyond 1938.

Armistice Day is perhaps my favorite day of the year, because it gives me pause to reflect on the brutal defeat of Kaiser Wilhelm II’s kraut army, to say nothing of the wondrous humiliation and shame forced upon the ethnically impure Austro-Hungarian empire and the backwards Ottoman Turks. Has there ever been a similar collection of slope-headed, mustachioed half-breeds? The Hun, with their predilection for aggression and hostility (dating back to the Franco-Prussian War of 1870), goaded the Habsburgs to war against Serbia and then proceded to lash out against the hated French according to the precepts of their vaunted Schlieffen plan.

Seriously, what a bunch of dicks!

When the war was over, and the final bloated trench rats had been blinded and suffocated to death with mustard gas, the world rejoiced in victory against the lesser peoples of Europe and various other parts of the world that aren’t in Europe. These celebrations included joyous street parades, ribaldry, rapscallionship, and opulant supper-feasts like this one.

My word, what delightful company! No doubt that man wallowed in the carnal delights of concubinage long into the November evening! But why shouldn’t he engage in such moral depravity? After all, 1.8 million Germans were dead in battle! Glory, hallelujah!

Very well, that’s enough history for today. Come back tomorrow, when I will teach all of you about how Abraham Lincoln defeated the Russians in an outer space submarine battle.