As a pretty orthodox Christian, I don’t often make it a point to include meditation as part of my daily supplication. However, this morning I experienced something that can only be described as a profound meditative experience.

The Hindus have a concept called moksha, describing spiritual union with the divine essence. Similarly, the Buddhist idea of nirvana is described as a state of blissful nothingness. This morning, from 6:30-8am while working at a group home for disabled adults, I believe I achieved some mystical plateau by watching three consecutive episodes of Saved By The Bell: The College Years.

In the first episode, Zach and Kelly worked as orderlies in some sort of campus hospital and flirted with each other. In the second episode, Zach organized a preposterous “rave” in a lecture hall and flirted with Kelly while outsmarting the dean. In the final episode, Screech considered getting a tattoo in order to impress some frat boys. Also, Zach kissed Kelly.

By letting the unimaginative, creatively bankrupt exploits of Slater, Zach and Screech float unobstructed through the window of my mind, I released the negative karma of my day-to-day consciousness and floated to a heretofore unknown zenith of spiritual felicity and awareness. Watching the 27-year old Mark-Paul Gosselaar directly address the the camera while pretending to be a mischievous (but chaste) 19 year old elevated and enlightened my spirit, lifting my chi beyond and above me.

I also liked it when Slater made fun of Screech that one time.

The residents of the group home seemed less affected by the program. Mostly, they laughed and discussed the intricacies of the game of floor hockey (I’m not kidding). I suppose not all are ready for spiritual oneness with the universe.

Seriously though, you guys should watch that show sometime. I heard there was an episode where Screech opened fire in the student union.

I think I’m getting old.

Last night, I experienced a terrible flash of awareness while I sat watching television. The Breakfast Club happened to be on, and I was watching it absentmindedly while getting my work done.

As the film progressed, however, I found myself sympathizing at moments with the Principal Vernon character.

“Yeah…” I thought to myself, “these kids are jerks!” Somebody needs to give Judd Nelson’s character his comeuppance!

Fortunately for me, Judd Nelson gave himself his own comeuppance by signing on as a principle cast member of NBC’s flaccid late-90’s sitcom Suddenly Susan.

For all these reasons and more, I demand that The Breakfast Club be re-imagined by Hollywood hitmaker Michael Bay, and that the story be told from the perspective of Principal Vernon. Vernon would be played by Nicolas Cage, who I’m fairly certain is available these days. The film’s outlook should be bleak, almost nihlistic, as it tells the story of a disillusioned man left to spend his Saturday mornings with a bunch of narcissistic little ingrates spouting pseudo-profoundities and prone to incomprehensible fits of joyless dancing.

The film will be called Shut Up, All of You: The Principal Vernon Story, and it will release on Memorial Day 2009. See you there!

You seem friendly. Are you friendly?

I like friendly people the most. They smear their smiley sunshine all over the wall!

Have you ever met somebody who was a sourpuss? Somebody who just loved to frown? Didn’t you just want to mutilate them?

Friendly people, on the other hand… They plop gumdrop droppings on the sidewalk just for you and me! They make puppies squeak and cougars whistle with glee!

One time I met a man who was sad. He said that his pony had died. I told him that I would give him a new pony in exchange for $500. After he paid me, I walked away and never saw him again. I hope he is happy now!

Have you ever met a grump? Have you ever known a grouch? Let’s find those people and cheer them up! I have some chewing gum we could share with them. It’s tropical flavored. Do you know that many nations in the tropics are riddled with government corruption and grave social inequities? I prefer not to think about those things and instead reflect on what my chewing gum tastes like.

Mmmm…pineapple.

I’m glad you are a friendly person and not like that last guy. He was in such a rush to leave! What say you we find him, trap him, and sell him into slavery in the Malaysian black market? Then he will learn to be friendly forever!

It’s so foggy out this morning! The ground is wet and the air is gray and thick!

It’s like we’re in foggy London town:

“Good morning, Constable! How are you?”
“Jolly good, thank you for asking.”
“I heard that you and your wife are separated?”
“Indeed, old chap.”
“Good form!”

I suppose in a way, this morning’s weather is also evocative of smoggy Beijing:

“Good morning, officer! And how are you on this fine day?”

*17-minute beating at the hands of the state police*

Ah, stereotypes. Is there anything about them that isn’t true?

More fun with Google image search!

—

Here’s what I got when I searched “silly biscuit”:

Oh my goodness! Do you see those biscuits! They’re stuck together! They’re so silly!

We should never eat those biscuits for communion!

—

“Santa Atrocity”:

Yes, it’s a veritable trail of tears from the North Pole.

We must never forget.

—

“Father Mound”:

I see. Father does appear to have mounds now where he didn’t before.

Oh well, that’s Epicopalians for you.

—

“Obama Feast”:

Hell yes!

—

“Shampoo Barf”:

This haunting image, while not shampoo barf, per se, certainly captures the emotional discord and disillusionment that shampoo barf brings with it.

—

“Sadness Bubbles”:

Ah yes. A mentally handicapped man with an adorable kitten. Sadness bubbles indeed.

May sadness bubble for all of you this Friday!

Okay guys, come in on and find a seat. Let’s get this post started.

I know it’s tough to come in from the hallway when all your friends are out there, but this will only take a couple minutes. Then you can go back to catching up with everybody else.

All right, today I wanted to ta–

I still hear some chatter from the back. Kevin, is that you? Are we going to have a problem this morning?

I didn’t think so…

So, like I was saying, have you guys noticed how people these days are alwa–

Ted! Why are you turned around? I’m up here.

Well, if Kevin is bullying you, then raise your hand and tell me. Kevin, perhaps it’s time to move on to a more sophisticated form of interpersonal communication?

What’s that?

That’s IT! I have HAD IT with you, Kevin!

Every day you come in here and seek to deliberately sabotage my posts! Look around you - do you see Adam or Christine or Thom behaving like this? No! Even now, they’re sitting politely, waiting for the blogging to begin, but you’re monopolizing our time yet again!

It’s always got to be about you, doesn’t it Kevin? You’re just never happy unless you’ve got all the attention, and you don’t care if it’s positive or negative. To you, leaving a witty comment is all the same as making poor Ted feel ashamed of himself again.

ENOUGH BACK-TALK! JUST SHUT UP!!

I HATE THIS SO MUCH!!!!

My spirit is broken, Kevin. I hope you’re satisfied with yourself.

I am absolutely miserable…