My Hot Night (Not What It Sounds Like)
This morning, my eyes are bleary and my consciousness is nominal due to an extreme lack of sleep. It would be great if I could truthfully credit this state to a night of debauched gasoline-huffing or an adrenalized Uno tournament lasting until dawn, but this is regrettably not the case.
No, my friends. I’m tired because the bedroom was just too damn hot last night.
As I layed down atop my covers to prepare for sleep, I could feel the warm air envelop and enshroud me. Like hot, bitter vapor direct from the lungs of Satan, the air hung thick around my neck and constricted my very essence. Flopping and squealing like a weasel nailed to a post, I was unable to soothe myself into a state of slumber. I spent the better part of 3 hours rotating counter-clockwise like a convenience store hot dog, and to the same unnatural and unsatisfying result.
By 1am, my skin was as moist as the morning dew, and my mood was as sour as a pail of sloppy, curdled goat milk left out in the Mediterranian sun.
Escaping the noxious confines of our upstairs bedroom, I made a half-conscious retreat to our downstairs guest room and spent the remainder of the night laying on an overly-firm mattress caked with cat hair. So that worked out well.
Now, as I prepare to begin my work week, I am pausing momentarily to relay this message of weary annoyance to you. I hope that all of you readers will find the decency within yourselves to give me some money or something. Lord knows I’ve earned it.
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June 2nd, 2008 at 9:33 am
I installed my air conditioner yesterday. I am so happy. Happy about being cool and happy about your misery!
June 2nd, 2008 at 9:42 am
my bedroom has been quite stuffy when i wake up in the morning. i’m going to have to find someway to remedy the situation.
June 2nd, 2008 at 9:46 am
That is why I sleep in the chest freezer.
June 2nd, 2008 at 12:10 pm
my dilemma last night was similar. the room was stuffy, so i opened the window and turned on the ceiling fan. problem solved, right? wrong. some a__hole was shooting off fireworks somewhere (this was around 11:15pm). so i got back up, shut the window, and muttered, “i hope you blow off your finger.” god forgive me.
June 2nd, 2008 at 12:47 pm
I live in Mississippi now. So you’ll get no sympathy from me. You are like a penguin to me. In fact, you probably are a penguin.
June 2nd, 2008 at 1:18 pm
you need to cover your upper torso in Vick’s Vapo-Rub, cover your lower torso in Icy-Hot, and plunge your feet into a tub of ice.
Does the trick for me every time.
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:46 pm
maybe Bridgette secretly turned up the thermostat to get rid of you for a night.
June 2nd, 2008 at 3:26 pm
this morning on the way to work, some idiot was weaving in and out of traffic, trying in vain to get ahead of everyone else (probably the same chowderhead that was shooting off fireworks last night). i didn’t get out of his way fast enough and as he went by he gave me a look of sheer hatred, and, the finger. i couldn’t help wishing he would lose control and flip over about 20 times (without hitting anyone else). then i had to do the obligatory prayer to bless him, to cancel out the curse, just like last night with the “hope you blow off your finger” thing. it’s tough having a conscience in a world gone mad. anyway, if i had a blog, that’s what i would have written about today.
June 2nd, 2008 at 4:04 pm
I think we’re all pretty thankful you don’t have a blog, Tom.
June 2nd, 2008 at 5:12 pm
The hot, bitter vapor would have been funnier if it was from Satan’s crotch, though you do want to make sure you don’t use that one too often. I give this a 99/100 as I laughed hard and immediately thought of sending the post to my friends…and my greatest enemies.
June 2nd, 2008 at 7:01 pm
the other day at walmart i thought one man was buying 3 cases of vick’s vaporub. before i realized it was all cat food, i was trying to think of what he could be doing with all that vaporub, though cooling self down in Minnesota was not something i came up with.
June 3rd, 2008 at 10:13 am
Tom…I am a little hurt you did not recognize me as I drove past.