On this dark and stormy morn I am refreshed at the thought of the weekend that lies before me - yet another strange and mysterious visit to my grandparents’ cabin. Long the site of many of my life’s most cherished secrets and depraved straddlings, this cabin is a mighty monument to the innocence I lost so long ago.

Travelling with a few ill-chosen companions, my wife and I will make my way down the wandering road of despair to the cabin on Saturday morning and return at some point on Monday. It is sure to be an unpleasant, dispiriting weekend riddled with awkward pauses and remorseful silences. It will be like listening to the live studio audience during a taping of “Just Shoot Me”.

Once there, our time will be filled with frolicking in a filthy lake ringed with dead fish, throwing darts at an obnoxiously verbose electronic dartboard, and sucking on limes to stave off scurvy. Also, we will consume approximately 9,000 calories per day. There is literally nothing good that can come out of this.

If you could, please refrain from telling the three teens wearing oversized white t-shirts and black do-rags who wander through our neighborhood with a basketball shouting at passing females of our weekend absence. They might get the wrong idea and decide to rape our cats or something.

Come to the pool with me!

Hurry up, the pool will be closing soon! Together we can laugh and shout in the splish-splashing sunshine!

If we get there soon, you can sit atop my shoulders as we glide through the pool and delight in the summertime sensations! Then we can all come crashing down into the cool, renewing water. Our frowns will be washed away down the rivers of chlorinated eternity!

Come, slather my torso with suntan lotion that I might avoid the sun’s forbidden rays. Be sure to use a lot, because my upper body is substantial, and I don’t want any part of my skin to escape your lotion-soaked palms.

Hold my hand as I jump into the pool! We will enter the 9-foot oasis together! I don’t ever want you to leave me, do you understand? Never leave me.

The pool is fun!

Now slip below the surface with me and shout out underwater secrets that you would otherwise not tell a soul! It will be a slippery tickle-treat! Ready? Here goes!

Could you understand me? You could? Really? What did you hear me say?

Uh, no, that’s not what I said. I would never say that – that’s really gross! What I actually said was “lollipops can come true.”

Yeah, I know that doesn’t make any actual sense. I guess I was just surfing on the emotion of the moment.

I love the pool!

Perhaps my greatest pleasure this summer has been the opportunity to read Doris Kearns Goodwin’s acclaimed book, Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln. Not just another biography of our greatest president, Goodwin freshly illuminates the character of Lincoln by studying him alongside four of his most formidable political rivals – William Seward, Salmon Chase, Edwin Stanton, and Edward Bates. Impressively, Lincoln selected each of these men to serve with him in his cabinet, regardless of the fact that three of them served as his chief competition for the 1860 Republican nomination, and each strongly believed that Lincoln was a weak candidate unfit for the presidency. The book then follows the path of his 5-year presidency and shows how he was able to successfully steer the nation through the most perilous crisis it has ever faced.

I cannot recommend this book strongly enough. It moved me to tears on a number of occasions, and I came away from it with a deepened appreciation of the political and literary gifts, as well as the moral goodness of Abraham Lincoln, whatever his flaws. It’s a realistic, yet inspiring read.

Here are some selected tidbits from the text you might find interesting:

-Lincoln had a naturally melancholy temperament, and in many ways seemed to internalize the unbearable weight of the nation’s struggles. At the same time, he was a gregarious storyteller with a sharp, lively sense of humor. An illustrative passage from the book reveals an intimate portrait of Lincoln from the perspective of a visiting French ambassador:
“On first impression, he ‘left you with a sort of impression of vague and deep sadness.’ Yet he ‘was quite humorous,’ often telling hilarious stories and laughing uproariously. ‘But all of a sudden he would retire within himself; then he would close his eyes and all his features would at once bespeak a kind of sadness as indescribable as it was deep.’”

-Abraham Lincoln’s best friend was a blue ox named Babe.

-Lincoln was regularly criticized by Radical Republican abolitionists for his perceived hesitancy to press the slavery issue. Goodwin takes great pains to paint the political deftness needed to assuage the Radicals, keep the slaveholding border states like Maryland and Kentucky in the Union, & pacify conservative Democrats, and even Southerners (with eye toward eventual reunification). In the end, Lincoln moved on the slavery issue as he did with all weighty problems – with great deliberation and wisdom. He said that while he could be criticized for being slow to make a decision, he never wanted to be known to go back on a promise. The promises made by his administration – the Emancipation Proclamation and the Thirteenth Amendment (abolishing slavery) - were as powerful and hard-fought as any ever made by this government.

-Lincoln once instigated a barroom brawl before getting away in a rusty pickup with his loyal orangutan sidekick.

-Among Lincoln’s many nicknames were “Honest Abe”, “The Railsplitter”, and “Old Muttonsleeves”

-Lincoln exasperated Stanton, his Secretary of War, by making regular use of presidential pardons when it came to military punishments for cowardice or desertion. He made a point to offer clemency in all cases, except “where meanness or cruelty were shown.” Perhaps reflecting the same character elements, he spoiled his children, allowing his young son Tad to constantly interrupt important cabinet sessions.

-Abraham Lincoln really enjoyed Brokeback Mountain, except for that one part…

-I share many similarities with Lincoln; namely, we are both 6’5”, bearded, and quick with a joke. However, Abraham Lincoln never had a blog. How do you like me now?

-Lincoln very nearly lost the 1864 election. Peace Democrats (then known as Copperheads) ran on a platform of seeking immediate peace by ending the war on terms agreeable to the South. Though some Democrats differed on what those terms might be, they would certainly have involved repeal of the Emancipation Proclamation and a return of slavery to the Southern states. Their charges were laden with racist claims that what once had been a noble war for Union had become a “war for the negro.” I would offer that their near-success is a healthy reminder that while peace itself is a worthy end, the costs of such compromise must always be considered.

-Lincoln invented holding your breath.

-Lincoln disliked butterscotch candy and slavery.

-Lincoln showed an extraordinary ability to disregard the many offenses and attacks he faced as president. Time and time again, he extended forgiveness and favor toward those who maligned him (particularly Salmon Chase, his Treasury Secretary, who essentially ran a presidential campaign against Lincoln while in Lincoln’s cabinet). While some historians have claimed that this represented some flaw of passivity in Lincoln’s character, Goodwin effectively argues that these acts instead reflect his ability to set aside his feelings for the good of the nation. Salmon Chase was, after all, an excellent Treasury Secretary.

-Lincoln’s likeness appears on the penny, the five dollar bill, and thanks to my new branding iron, my cat’s anus.

On this day, July 21st, 2008, I have reached the age of 30.

Looking into the mirror this morning, I strained in search of signs of my body’s increasing decrepitude and infirmity. With some chagrin, I noted the dark areas and wrinkles beneath my eyes, as well as the budding harvest of gray hairs that crown my head with shame. Certain images came to mind as I pondered my body’s inexorable march toward physical decay…

I have to say that, in all seriousness, my 30th birthday finds me in a healthy, happy spirit. I am married to a beautiful, insightful, loving woman who shares and reinforces the values I live by. I am a part of a dynamic, committed church community that rewards and enriches my life in many ways. God has blessed me with a stable career that I love (this is a particularly sweet blessing, given that the first half of my twenties was marked by failure and unhappiness in my professional life). My relationship with God is peaceful and renewing these days, and my intellectual pursuits challenge and inspire me. I love being with my family, I deeply enjoy the company of my friends, and, somewhat less importantly, I have two cats.

Having said all that, it’s important to note that none of that means a thing without this blog. The John Larroquette Project is indisputably the most important thing in my life, without which I would have driven into a ravine years ago.

Seriously people, without this website I am nothing.

Yesterday was occasioned by a visit from my steadfast brother Patrick, back from fighting forest fires near Big Sur, California. Needless to say, his heroism makes George Washington look like a swarthy, acne-ridden Spaniard in comparison.

Here are several photographs he shared with me. I will now show them to you, using the internet.

This is fire, one of the most powerful elements in the natural universe. Terrorizing wildlife, and destroying habitats, fire has long been used by man to establish his just dominion over the earth. Also, fire is hot and makes things smaller and black. At any rate, my point is that this fire is George Bush’s fault.

Here is Patrick, after having faced the terrible menace of fire. Note the sturdy courage in his eyes and the soiled qualities of his undershirt. Behind him lies a path cleared out of the brush, as well as another man, believed to be actor Tom Berenger.

The brush in question was anywhere from 8 to 15 feet high, and teeming with poison oak. As a result, Patrick, along with all the other members of his crew were covered with red rashes and sores that were irritated by the heavy duty clothing and heat. On the other hand, my job involves occasional meetings that run long, so we’re both no stranger to hardship.

In the midst of working 18 consecutive 16-hour days, moments of rest were cherished by Patrick’s crew. He can be seen in the foreground, the back of his shirt blackened with sweaty iniquity, while two of his comrades relax in bizarrely identical repose.

Fine work, Patrick. I’m proud of you, mostly!

Today, I’d like to announce my retirement from blogging.

It’s been a great four-and-a-half years for the John Larroquette Project. I’ve lived for the challenge of getting up in the morning and coming up with an idea to write about. The creative writing process is one that I’ve always found rewarding. I can honestly say that I’ve loved every minute of it.

Unfortunately, as I sit here this morning, I’ve come to the realization that while I know I still can blog, I just don’t have the desire to anymore. I’m just burnt out. While I know I’ll miss the daily challenge, I won’t miss those mornings where I’m going through the motions, or the feeling of posting drivel just because I spent 20 minutes writing it. I’m just going to take some time off, and spend more quality time with my wife or with a good book.

It’s been fun, and thanks for reading.

…

You know what? I’ve changed my mind. I’m not retiring. I want to come back.

You see, I didn’t really want to retire in the first place. Adam pressured me into it. If you go back and re-read my retirement address, you’ll see that every word of it was honest, except for the parts that Adam forced me into.

What’s that? You’ve already moved on? First of all, that seems improbable, given that I retired only a few moments ago. Secondly, who are you going to replace me with? Ben? Ben’s a nice guy and all, but he’s not ready for prime-time - he still needs more seasoning and tutelage under the master (i.e. me).

Let me put it to you this way, who gives the John Larroquette Project the best chance to succeed on a daily basis? Me, right? So let me back. If you won’t let me back, I demand that you release me from any affiliation with the John Larroquette Project, and let me blog elsewhere. As a matter of fact, I’ve been having a few behind-the-scenes conversations with Kevin’s blog, and they seem very interested in bringing me on board.

What do you mean, “blog tampering”? I’ve never heard of such a thing.

Look, I don’t want to get into some bitter squabble with all of you. All I ask is that you allow me to retire and unretire in peace, and bend over backwards to meet my increasingly fickle demands.

I just wish all of you hadn’t put me in this position.