While our car remains out of commission (more on that tomorrow), Bridgette and I continue to enjoy the cozy, golden confines of our rental 2008 Hyundai Elantra. With its beige interior serving as our moral and ethical center, the car has strengthened and comforted us during this time of trial. It is the Atticus Finch of cars.

The hidden secret to this vehicle (which I will henceforth refer to as Pepper) is the button on its formidable dashboard labeled “XM”. That’s right, my friends, Pepper comes equipped with XM Satellite Radio, the most coveted item in the western world since the exotic spices that Vasco da Gama rounded Africa and mutilated the lesser peoples of the earth for.

Now, as you know, Bridgette and I are not curious, risk-taking people by nature. It is not our style to spend money on exploratory endeavors or change radio stations once we have found one to our liking. For this reason, Pepper’s radio has been tuned to XM channel 23 (The Heart) for a week and a half. All love songs, all the time (not unlike our local Love 105). Whether it’s Foreigner’s “I Want to Know What Love Is”, or Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart”, the Heart plays songs that are bombastic and familiar, like Sean Hannity.

Perhaps most impressively, on XM 23 (The Heart), Bryan Adams and Phil Collins never really went away. Listen for any 30 minutes at a time, and you’re going to be greeted with the epic strains of “Please Forgive Me”, “Hold On My Heart”, “Everything I Do (I Do It For You)”, or “One More Night”. It’s almost as if the musical zenith these two creative giants reached in the late 80s and early 90s was never shat upon by the likes the Nirvana, Radiohead, and the 90s ass bands. The Heart is an alternate pop cultural history, where Bryan Adams and Phil Collins proudly stand at the right side of Elvis and the Beatles on the Throne of Musical Genius.

Also, they play a lot of Peter Cetera.