I am a man, mightier than any since Cain smote his brother!

This weekend, I built a fence for our backyard. It is a white picket PVC fence that would cause Tom Sawyer to defile himself with its beauty.

Behold!

Did you just defecate yourselves with envy? Do you need to pause to find appropriate cleaning supplies in order to salvage the chair you are sitting in? Is your poop permanently ground into the fabric due to the sheer shocked velocity with which it exited your anus? Yeah, I thought so. It’s my new fence. Believe it.

I was aided in this fence’s construction by my soft-spoken father, and my oft-speaking father-in-law. Watching them together was something akin to an Abbott and Costello routine. Meanwhile, I dug holes with the strength of Sampson, the hair of Absolom, and the wisdom of Kissinger. Today, my arm muscles are weary and fatigued with overuse, and my brain-muscle is strained from thinking about digging. I fear I am as useless as an iPod in the palm of a thumbless Amish man.

The pain in my upper extremities is great on this day, my friends. With each excruciating keystroke, I bring my body closer to the brink of utter oblivion. Like Lance Armstrong pedaling up the slopes of Mount Everest, I punish my body for the glory of something greater – in this case, another entry in a middling blog to be read and instantly forgotten by several hundred people. It is a cause that makes the life of Abraham Lincoln look like a weak-chinned SuperAmerica employee.

Also I did the dishes.