You know, people are always coming up to me and asking, “Peter, how do you do it?”

“How do you stay so young and vibrant? Where does your boundless exuberance and vitality come from? How does your handshake remain so firm and reassuring?”

“How have you maintained your positive outlook on life? How do you keep your eyebrows and fingernails so immaculately groomed? Where did you learn to flash that rugged, disarming smile that we all love so much?”

“How does your beard somehow combine the sentisitity of Michael Gross with the full-bodied ruggedness of Dan Haggarty? What do you apply to your skin to keep it so supple and ageless? When did your thighs become so toned and explosive?”

When approached this way, I will chuckle warmly, offer a hearty slap on the back, and thank them for their kind words. I continue rubbing my hand in concentric circles across their back as I tell them that my secret is a simple, yet elusive self-confidence. Ignoring mountains of evidence to the contrary, I go on smiling and squatting and tossing my head back in laughter - the cumulative effect is part Tom Cruise, part Napoleon, part Baloo the cartoon bear. People can’t get enough of it.

You should try it sometime. You won’t believe how popular it will make you. Also, it will get you a hot wife.

Feel free to take me out to dinner sometime to thank me.