While attending the recent wedding of local ne’er-do-wells Tami & Allen, I was introduced to a product so glorious, so sacrosanct, it was an affront to Barack Obama himself.

Graeters Ice Cream.

Churned from the breastmilk of angels (so as to not be defiled by the curdled toxins of free will), Graeters Ice Cream is Ohio’s greatest gift to our blessed Union since the venerable Rutherford B. Hayes. Creamy, supple, and sentient, this is ice cream’s version of the Declaration of Independence.

While at the Groom’s Dinner, I tried many of the finer Graeters flavors that were made available to us by the beneficent hand of Allen - pumpkin pie, coconut chip, and Buckeye Blitz (chocolate ice cream with peanut butter cookie dough and chocolate chips). They were so good that diarrhea exploded uncontrollably out of my reddened anus, metaphorically speaking.

Graeters Ice Cream: the culmination of all human yearning and endeavor throughout the ages.

Really though, you should try some if you want. It’s no big deal to me.

My close friend and Rock TV mascot Todd Luker spent Friday morning at the Minnesota State Fair, presumably sampling the available foodstuffs and viewing the disgustingly obese animals lying in repose in various barns found on the premises. As luck would have it, he happened to pass the FOX 9 booth just as our old friend and meteorologist Keith Marler was sitting to greet passersby. Todd was nice enough to drop in and visit with him on my behalf.

Apparently Keith brightened up immediately when told that Todd acting as ambassador for the John Larroquette Project. Grabbing a promotional photo, he started muttering excitedly about how he hadn’t visited the site in a few months while vehemently scratching his pen across the faces of his co-workers. See for yourself…

Fine work, Keith Marler. Your gracious spirit and secret weirdness are a blessing to our otherwise oppressively chirpy morning airwaves. I’m glad you ruthlessly censured M.A. Roscoe with your Sharpie the way you did. Somebody seriously needed to shut her up. Tom Butler doesn’t seem so bad, but I figure he was just caught in the crossfire.

Maybe this is off-topic, but what do you suppose it would be like to be roommates with Keith Marler? Does he seem like the kind of guy who would leave a sink full of dirty dishes for a couple days? Does he snore? Worse, does he have sleep apnea? Does he have a CPAP machine for his sleep apnea? Can he afford one?

What say all of us pitch in for Keith Marler’s CPAP machine? The guy needs his sleep, and it’s the least we could do, given all that he’s done for the community here at the John Larroquette Project.

Come to the pool with me!

Hurry up, the pool will be closing soon! Together we can laugh and shout in the splish-splashing sunshine!

If we get there soon, you can sit atop my shoulders as we glide through the pool and delight in the summertime sensations! Then we can all come crashing down into the cool, renewing water. Our frowns will be washed away down the rivers of chlorinated eternity!

Come, slather my torso with suntan lotion that I might avoid the sun’s forbidden rays. Be sure to use a lot, because my upper body is substantial, and I don’t want any part of my skin to escape your lotion-soaked palms.

Hold my hand as I jump into the pool! We will enter the 9-foot oasis together! I don’t ever want you to leave me, do you understand? Never leave me.

The pool is fun!

Now slip below the surface with me and shout out underwater secrets that you would otherwise not tell a soul! It will be a slippery tickle-treat! Ready? Here goes!

Could you understand me? You could? Really? What did you hear me say?

Uh, no, that’s not what I said. I would never say that – that’s really gross! What I actually said was “lollipops can come true.”

Yeah, I know that doesn’t make any actual sense. I guess I was just surfing on the emotion of the moment.

I love the pool!

Yesterday was occasioned by a visit from my steadfast brother Patrick, back from fighting forest fires near Big Sur, California. Needless to say, his heroism makes George Washington look like a swarthy, acne-ridden Spaniard in comparison.

Here are several photographs he shared with me. I will now show them to you, using the internet.

This is fire, one of the most powerful elements in the natural universe. Terrorizing wildlife, and destroying habitats, fire has long been used by man to establish his just dominion over the earth. Also, fire is hot and makes things smaller and black. At any rate, my point is that this fire is George Bush’s fault.

Here is Patrick, after having faced the terrible menace of fire. Note the sturdy courage in his eyes and the soiled qualities of his undershirt. Behind him lies a path cleared out of the brush, as well as another man, believed to be actor Tom Berenger.

The brush in question was anywhere from 8 to 15 feet high, and teeming with poison oak. As a result, Patrick, along with all the other members of his crew were covered with red rashes and sores that were irritated by the heavy duty clothing and heat. On the other hand, my job involves occasional meetings that run long, so we’re both no stranger to hardship.

In the midst of working 18 consecutive 16-hour days, moments of rest were cherished by Patrick’s crew. He can be seen in the foreground, the back of his shirt blackened with sweaty iniquity, while two of his comrades relax in bizarrely identical repose.

Fine work, Patrick. I’m proud of you, mostly!

Today, I’d like to announce my retirement from blogging.

It’s been a great four-and-a-half years for the John Larroquette Project. I’ve lived for the challenge of getting up in the morning and coming up with an idea to write about. The creative writing process is one that I’ve always found rewarding. I can honestly say that I’ve loved every minute of it.

Unfortunately, as I sit here this morning, I’ve come to the realization that while I know I still can blog, I just don’t have the desire to anymore. I’m just burnt out. While I know I’ll miss the daily challenge, I won’t miss those mornings where I’m going through the motions, or the feeling of posting drivel just because I spent 20 minutes writing it. I’m just going to take some time off, and spend more quality time with my wife or with a good book.

It’s been fun, and thanks for reading.

…

You know what? I’ve changed my mind. I’m not retiring. I want to come back.

You see, I didn’t really want to retire in the first place. Adam pressured me into it. If you go back and re-read my retirement address, you’ll see that every word of it was honest, except for the parts that Adam forced me into.

What’s that? You’ve already moved on? First of all, that seems improbable, given that I retired only a few moments ago. Secondly, who are you going to replace me with? Ben? Ben’s a nice guy and all, but he’s not ready for prime-time - he still needs more seasoning and tutelage under the master (i.e. me).

Let me put it to you this way, who gives the John Larroquette Project the best chance to succeed on a daily basis? Me, right? So let me back. If you won’t let me back, I demand that you release me from any affiliation with the John Larroquette Project, and let me blog elsewhere. As a matter of fact, I’ve been having a few behind-the-scenes conversations with Kevin’s blog, and they seem very interested in bringing me on board.

What do you mean, “blog tampering”? I’ve never heard of such a thing.

Look, I don’t want to get into some bitter squabble with all of you. All I ask is that you allow me to retire and unretire in peace, and bend over backwards to meet my increasingly fickle demands.

I just wish all of you hadn’t put me in this position.

Turn around.
Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming ’round.

Turn around,
Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears.

Turn around.
Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by.

Turn around.
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes.

Turn around, bright eyes!
Every now and then I fall apart!

And I need you now tonight!
And I need you more than ever!

And if you’ll only hold me tight, we’ll be holding on forever!

I REALLY NEED YOU TONIGHT!!!
Forever’s gonna start tonight…

Forever’s gonna start tonight.