Try all new, antibacterial Fantastik! The only all purpose, heavy duty cleaner made with ethylbenzyl ammonium chlorides!

You can spray it on your stuff, and the filthiness rinses right away, like blood down a kitchen sink!

Don’t drink it though, or you will start seeing new colors that you don’t want to see. Then your liver will burst inside you. At that point, you’re probably a goner, unless you are literally standing next to a medical doctor.

In all seriousness, though, Fantastik has a great raspberry flavor that you’ll love.

I read somewhere that Fantastik kills 99.9% of all household bacteria in 10 seconds. That’s all well and good, but frankly, any product that can’t kill 100% of everything in 8 seconds or less is kind of pathetic.

Have you ever sucked on a 9-volt battery? I’m not talking licked, I’m talking sucked. Let me tell you people, the effect is seriously messed up. Maybe I’m getting a little off topic here, but seriously, it was like proceedings from the 1997 film Event Horizon were taking place inside my mouth.

Enjoy your Thursday.

What say you and me go out to McDonalds? We can get milkshakes and a few Bacon, Beef ‘n’ Fudge Wraps.

Those not to your liking, eh? That’s fine. Tell you what – we can just go through the drive-through and I’ll pick us up a couple Sourdough Cheesy Fish Melts. My treat.

Still not your thing? What’s the matter? Are you allergic to gluten or something?

All right, last try. We’ll go to one of the fancy McDonalds with an earth-toned color scheme. We’ll get us some ice-cold sodas and one of their new Teriyaki Sausage Breakfast Burgers with salsa, I’ll give you a firm handshake and we’ll call it a day.

Wow, man. You’re a picky eater! You should remember that beggars can’t be choosers. Yes, yes, I realize that you aren’t technically a beggar. You do live in a group home though, so I wouldn’t get too indignant if I were you.

Can I hug you?

Mmmmm. Hugging sure warms the heart, doesn’t it?

I’m going to continue to hug you. Don’t try to pull away until it’s over.

Yesssssssssssss. Friendship.

Oooh, this hug tickles, doesn’t it? Do you feel that tickle on your belly?

Let’s pause for a moment while I unbutton my shirt.

No? Not really your thing? I see.

Why are you leaving? Didn’t you enjoy our hug? Was it the shirt thing? I probably should explain - I took my shirt off for medical reasons. I have MS.

Please stop! Okay, I admit it, I don’t have multiple sclerosis. I just wanted you to feel sorry for me and hug me with my shirt unbuttoned.

No, don’t walk away! I long for your embrace!

My name is Peter, by the way! Will you be riding this bus tomorrow?

Howdy, friend! Say, do you happen to have any stain remover? As you can see, I’ve spilled tomato soup all over my work clothes.

I can be such a klutz sometimes! I was just holding a bucket of tomato soup and somehow it overturned, pouring its bright red contents onto my nice white shirt. Call me Mr. Butterfingers!

Yeah, I know it doesn’t really look like tomato soup, but that’s because it’s a special kind. It was Progresso, I think. Yep, a big old bucket of Progresso tomato soup is what I’m covered in.

I wouldn’t bother questioning my account - it’d just be a waste of time.

I can see that your eye is being drawn to the bulge in my breast pocket. No big deal, people are curious. Here, you can see for yourself. Just two severed human fingers.

It’s an old tradition in my family, we use severed human fingers to stir our tomato soup. It’s helpful for times when you don’t have a spoon handy. My family’s been doing this since they came from the old world.

Romania, I believe.

I don’t know what that noise is either. Probably just a tornado siren.

I know what that sound definitely isn’t. It isn’t the sound of a dying fingerless man lying facedown in an alley a few blocks over.

Yeah, I know it’s weird that I would say that. I guess I just don’t operate the same way as everybody else. I’m think you’ll find I’m pretty unique. I suppose that’s why I watch so much anime.

Well, anyway, if you don’t have any stain remover, I should probably be on my way. I’m in a bit of a hurry. Thanks for your help!

Howdy friends, E. Honda here.

You can call me Edmond, which is my first name, for some reason. I’m here in town to fight in the Street Fighter Tournament against fighters from all around the world (i.e. California and Japan). I’m battling for my honor, and to prove the supremacy of the sumo fighting style. Or maybe it was to avenge my murdered brother. I’m not sure. It’s probably in the manual somewhere…

I’m not what you would call a graceful fighter. My strategy is to overpower people with my sheer size, and then finish them off with my patented “hundred hand slap” which shares no connection with reality whatsoever. My moves may not be stylish, but they “git r done”, as they say! I recently saw that phrase on the bumper of a dirty truck, and I agreed with its hard-nosed worldview. I also enjoy the comedic stylings of Mr. Jeff Foxworthy.

I’ll freely admit that I’m not necessarily a fan favorite. Fighters like Guile and Chun Li get all the attention, while I’m usually chosen by pubescent button-mashers. I don’t have a problem with this. My self esteem isn’t wrapped up in being manipulated by the jittery, Twinkie-stained fingers of 13 year olds across the world. I’m perfectly happy going home to my wife B. Honda, kissing her on the cheek, and eating a succulent roast beef dinner.

So that’s my story. Maybe I’ll see you around sometime, and I can give you a hundred-hand high five. I’d love to hear your story.

Oh, I almost forgot, you got any weed?

I’ve got a Mounds bar at my desk with me.

It’s been sitting in my drawer for a few days. I bought it on a whim, and I just haven’t bothered to eat it yet. Maybe I’ll end up eating it today. You never know.

Mounds bars are pretty good. Coconut covered in dark chocolate. Admittedly not the most natural, wholesome snack in the world (”sulfur dioxide” is listed among the ingredients). However, I have to say that Mounds is still far superior to Almond Joy. That single almond sitting there might as well be a cat turd as far as I’m concerned.

Have you ever had a Mounds bar? You should try one sometime. Maybe next time you could eat a Mounds bar instead of getting a divorce.

I’m sorry. Are the two not comparable? I guess I’m sometimes a bit naive about these things. In my head it seemed reasonable that taking a bite of Mounds’ delicious combination of coconut and chocolate would take your mind off the irreconcilable differences and repeated infidelity in your marriage. Well, it looks like I put my foot in my mouth again.

Seriously though, all things considered, you should try a Mounds bar. Don’t try one now while you’re mad at me, because your judgment will be clouded. Wait a couple days until this has passed over and then pick one up.

It’ll blow your mind.