Today marks my last real day of summer vacation.

Tomorrow through Friday, I will be working shifts at my second job, and my weekend is already filled up with various endeavors sure to leave me wracked with shame and ill-cheer. On Monday, I return to school for teacher workshops, the most pointless, needlessly cheerful exercise known to man.

This is it. It’s all over.

As you regular readers may be aware, it has been an epic summer for the wife and I. Our house was broken into, our car was stolen, no fewer than five calls to 911 were made from my cellphone, I formed intimate relationships with our insurance adjustors, and various financial benefits ultimately found their way to us. Our house was re-painted, a new door was installed, along with new windows and a new backyard fence. We visited family, were visited by old friends, and spent a lovely weekend with some close friends at the cabin. Also, I did my twirls for Mumsy.

All things considered, it’s been a good summer. There are many other good things that God has done in our lives over these last few months that I don’t have the time or the inclination to delve into, but suffice to say, we’re in a much better place in August than we were in in June. I’d also like to note that we are currently in a better place than sharecroppers were during the 1930’s dust bowl famine, though I suppose that goes without saying.

And so, in conclusion, I have scabies now.

In an effort to satiate your unquenchable lust for all things cabin-related, here are a few more photographs. These are from our friends the Bergs, who were apparently there.

Is this what Bridgette and I really look like when we’re standing together? Can that be right? Is our marriage a sin?

Brent escaped in the early morning hours a few times during our stay to fish in the cozy hamlet of Federal Dam, MN (note: not the Federal Dam, just Federal Dam). On Monday, he came back with this mammoth pike-beast, with the wiggling ability of the late James Brown and the eyes of Satan himself. Then he killed it with his knife.

After our propane grill broke, we had to improvise and cook over the campfire. In this photograph, Brent is wantonly watching the fire cook our burgers into tender brown patties of dripping loveliness. His grilling was supple, his smile was charming, and eagerness was inviting.

Todd was somewhat less thrilled, however…

As you may recall, I spent my weekend at a remote cabin with a few friends and Kevin. As you have safely assumed, the time was ill-spent and unpleasant.

In addition to the photographs that Ted has already shared, here are several images from our time in Bena, MN. They are awful.

In this picture, you can see a group of friends relaxing at dusk and watching the sun set over Lake Winnibigoshish. Also you can see Adam’s truck in the distance, moments before we slipped it into neutral and pushed it off the cliff into the lake in a flawlessly-reasoned practical joke.

On Sunday, Todd broke out his scuba gear for a thorough search of the Winnibigoshish lakebed. In a completely unexpected development, apparently there are a bunch of rocks down there.

Here you have a snapshot of life inside the cabin. In the foreground, people are playing Ticket to Ride, a strategy game of railroad ownership while plowing through a bag of specially seasoned pretzels prepared by my wife. In the background, a bunch of women are probably gossiping about me.

Here, Ted sniffs deeply from the noxious fumes emanating from the unknown contents of this container of canned turkey. It appeared to be a sludgy, congealed grease of some sort. My point is that I cannot understand why my wife doesn’t find meat more appealing.

Perhaps my greatest pleasure this summer has been the opportunity to read Doris Kearns Goodwin’s acclaimed book, Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln. Not just another biography of our greatest president, Goodwin freshly illuminates the character of Lincoln by studying him alongside four of his most formidable political rivals – William Seward, Salmon Chase, Edwin Stanton, and Edward Bates. Impressively, Lincoln selected each of these men to serve with him in his cabinet, regardless of the fact that three of them served as his chief competition for the 1860 Republican nomination, and each strongly believed that Lincoln was a weak candidate unfit for the presidency. The book then follows the path of his 5-year presidency and shows how he was able to successfully steer the nation through the most perilous crisis it has ever faced.

I cannot recommend this book strongly enough. It moved me to tears on a number of occasions, and I came away from it with a deepened appreciation of the political and literary gifts, as well as the moral goodness of Abraham Lincoln, whatever his flaws. It’s a realistic, yet inspiring read.

Here are some selected tidbits from the text you might find interesting:

-Lincoln had a naturally melancholy temperament, and in many ways seemed to internalize the unbearable weight of the nation’s struggles. At the same time, he was a gregarious storyteller with a sharp, lively sense of humor. An illustrative passage from the book reveals an intimate portrait of Lincoln from the perspective of a visiting French ambassador:
“On first impression, he ‘left you with a sort of impression of vague and deep sadness.’ Yet he ‘was quite humorous,’ often telling hilarious stories and laughing uproariously. ‘But all of a sudden he would retire within himself; then he would close his eyes and all his features would at once bespeak a kind of sadness as indescribable as it was deep.’”

-Abraham Lincoln’s best friend was a blue ox named Babe.

-Lincoln was regularly criticized by Radical Republican abolitionists for his perceived hesitancy to press the slavery issue. Goodwin takes great pains to paint the political deftness needed to assuage the Radicals, keep the slaveholding border states like Maryland and Kentucky in the Union, & pacify conservative Democrats, and even Southerners (with eye toward eventual reunification). In the end, Lincoln moved on the slavery issue as he did with all weighty problems – with great deliberation and wisdom. He said that while he could be criticized for being slow to make a decision, he never wanted to be known to go back on a promise. The promises made by his administration – the Emancipation Proclamation and the Thirteenth Amendment (abolishing slavery) - were as powerful and hard-fought as any ever made by this government.

-Lincoln once instigated a barroom brawl before getting away in a rusty pickup with his loyal orangutan sidekick.

-Among Lincoln’s many nicknames were “Honest Abe”, “The Railsplitter”, and “Old Muttonsleeves”

-Lincoln exasperated Stanton, his Secretary of War, by making regular use of presidential pardons when it came to military punishments for cowardice or desertion. He made a point to offer clemency in all cases, except “where meanness or cruelty were shown.” Perhaps reflecting the same character elements, he spoiled his children, allowing his young son Tad to constantly interrupt important cabinet sessions.

-Abraham Lincoln really enjoyed Brokeback Mountain, except for that one part…

-I share many similarities with Lincoln; namely, we are both 6’5”, bearded, and quick with a joke. However, Abraham Lincoln never had a blog. How do you like me now?

-Lincoln very nearly lost the 1864 election. Peace Democrats (then known as Copperheads) ran on a platform of seeking immediate peace by ending the war on terms agreeable to the South. Though some Democrats differed on what those terms might be, they would certainly have involved repeal of the Emancipation Proclamation and a return of slavery to the Southern states. Their charges were laden with racist claims that what once had been a noble war for Union had become a “war for the negro.” I would offer that their near-success is a healthy reminder that while peace itself is a worthy end, the costs of such compromise must always be considered.

-Lincoln invented holding your breath.

-Lincoln disliked butterscotch candy and slavery.

-Lincoln showed an extraordinary ability to disregard the many offenses and attacks he faced as president. Time and time again, he extended forgiveness and favor toward those who maligned him (particularly Salmon Chase, his Treasury Secretary, who essentially ran a presidential campaign against Lincoln while in Lincoln’s cabinet). While some historians have claimed that this represented some flaw of passivity in Lincoln’s character, Goodwin effectively argues that these acts instead reflect his ability to set aside his feelings for the good of the nation. Salmon Chase was, after all, an excellent Treasury Secretary.

-Lincoln’s likeness appears on the penny, the five dollar bill, and thanks to my new branding iron, my cat’s anus.

Yesterday was occasioned by a visit from my steadfast brother Patrick, back from fighting forest fires near Big Sur, California. Needless to say, his heroism makes George Washington look like a swarthy, acne-ridden Spaniard in comparison.

Here are several photographs he shared with me. I will now show them to you, using the internet.

This is fire, one of the most powerful elements in the natural universe. Terrorizing wildlife, and destroying habitats, fire has long been used by man to establish his just dominion over the earth. Also, fire is hot and makes things smaller and black. At any rate, my point is that this fire is George Bush’s fault.

Here is Patrick, after having faced the terrible menace of fire. Note the sturdy courage in his eyes and the soiled qualities of his undershirt. Behind him lies a path cleared out of the brush, as well as another man, believed to be actor Tom Berenger.

The brush in question was anywhere from 8 to 15 feet high, and teeming with poison oak. As a result, Patrick, along with all the other members of his crew were covered with red rashes and sores that were irritated by the heavy duty clothing and heat. On the other hand, my job involves occasional meetings that run long, so we’re both no stranger to hardship.

In the midst of working 18 consecutive 16-hour days, moments of rest were cherished by Patrick’s crew. He can be seen in the foreground, the back of his shirt blackened with sweaty iniquity, while two of his comrades relax in bizarrely identical repose.

Fine work, Patrick. I’m proud of you, mostly!

Today, I’d like to announce my retirement from blogging.

It’s been a great four-and-a-half years for the John Larroquette Project. I’ve lived for the challenge of getting up in the morning and coming up with an idea to write about. The creative writing process is one that I’ve always found rewarding. I can honestly say that I’ve loved every minute of it.

Unfortunately, as I sit here this morning, I’ve come to the realization that while I know I still can blog, I just don’t have the desire to anymore. I’m just burnt out. While I know I’ll miss the daily challenge, I won’t miss those mornings where I’m going through the motions, or the feeling of posting drivel just because I spent 20 minutes writing it. I’m just going to take some time off, and spend more quality time with my wife or with a good book.

It’s been fun, and thanks for reading.

…

You know what? I’ve changed my mind. I’m not retiring. I want to come back.

You see, I didn’t really want to retire in the first place. Adam pressured me into it. If you go back and re-read my retirement address, you’ll see that every word of it was honest, except for the parts that Adam forced me into.

What’s that? You’ve already moved on? First of all, that seems improbable, given that I retired only a few moments ago. Secondly, who are you going to replace me with? Ben? Ben’s a nice guy and all, but he’s not ready for prime-time - he still needs more seasoning and tutelage under the master (i.e. me).

Let me put it to you this way, who gives the John Larroquette Project the best chance to succeed on a daily basis? Me, right? So let me back. If you won’t let me back, I demand that you release me from any affiliation with the John Larroquette Project, and let me blog elsewhere. As a matter of fact, I’ve been having a few behind-the-scenes conversations with Kevin’s blog, and they seem very interested in bringing me on board.

What do you mean, “blog tampering”? I’ve never heard of such a thing.

Look, I don’t want to get into some bitter squabble with all of you. All I ask is that you allow me to retire and unretire in peace, and bend over backwards to meet my increasingly fickle demands.

I just wish all of you hadn’t put me in this position.