Hey, you made it! Come on in!

Let’s party!

*”Brick House” by the Commodores begins to play*

It’s awesome that you’re here, my friend. I’ve got it all set up for an awesome time - nachos on the table, beers in the fridge, and an eager, yet obedient golden retriever in the garage. Party down!

Can I get you a beer? Iced tea? Soda pop? Lemon water? Tap water? Anything you want, it’s yours. Tonight, we party like we’re kings! Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

How do you want to get this party started? Should we play some Crazy Eights? Talk about our work friends that aren’t here yet? I’m up for anything - I’m stoked!

Hey, I’ve got just the thing. You go to the stove and grab the buffalo wings I’m keeping warm, and I’ll be right back.

All right, man. Grab a seat on the couch. I’ve got a movie that will blow your mind! It’s got party written all over it. It’s called Mississippi Burning. It’s still in the shrink wrap - I’ve never watched it!

You ready to have a good time? Here we go - we got some wings, some brews, some good times, and we’re about to watch Mississippi Burning!

Here, I’ll turn on the disco ball while we watch to keep the mood flowing. Check it out man. What a choice vibe.

Here we go!

Being the Clint Eastwood fan that I am (I regularly supplicate myself before the grim altar of Unforgiven, writhing in earnest petition for its goodness), I was recently on IMDb checking out his upcoming films. I was directed to a trailer for a moving coming out this December called Gran Torino, where he stars as a cranky, racist old man in a neighborhood facing the issues of Hmong immigration and gang violence.

Looks pretty sweet, so far as I can tell. Midway through the trailer, however, I stopped the video player in disbelief. One of my old students is featured in the film! A quick check of the credits revealed that a student of mine who graduated in 2005 is indeed in the movie, playing the role of “Spider”. I assume that is some sort of gang-related moniker, rather than an actual human-sized, volcano-dwelling spider-beast that Eastwood’s character sets out to kill, though I could be wrong.

Here’s hoping that he stops the movie cold to tell one of his gang friends about the legal traditions and systems we in the West have inherited from the Byzantine Empire, like I told him about when he was a student. There could be a piano playing single, low tones in the background. Maybe it could last for 12 minutes. That would be a really interesting scene, I bet.

Congratulations, Doua! Don’t forget me in your Oscar speech!

The flu shot lady poked me!

First she rubbed the cotton ball on me, then she made it sting! I screamed as loud as I could and everybody in the room got quiet. Then I slapped her hand away and jolted up!

She scolded me to sit back down, so I started crying and yelling my full name. Then the man grabbed me, but I hit him with my fist and ran away!

This happens every year. The needle is still in my arm!

Beware! This blog post is haunted!

Right now, as you read this, ghouls are racing through the internet to torment you! There they go, slipping out your computer’s USB port, through the folds of your clothing, and into your clenched anus!

It is too late now to stop them!

By now, the banshees that ravaged your anal pore have entered your stomach and are gulping down warm stomach acids like it was Dr. Pepper. Feeding off your body’s juices, they soon will creep onward to suck the life-giving oxygen out of your lungs and replace it with pure, toxic radon. Your body will soon belong to the phantoms and will be processed into a canned feast for their hell-beasts.

This is all part of the fun of the witching season that we celebrate as November nears each year. The leaves have fallen from the trees, the sun is slipping further away, and Satan’s shadow-trolls have emerged to terrify your children into a lifetime of brittle emotional detachment.

That’s what you get for visiting the John Larroquette Project. Now, go back to your precious baby-blogs, never to return!

Darkness has once again enshrouded the mornings, my friends.

The black, tingling chill of the night air pierces my nostrils and tickles my groin as I exit my car. I am alone in a void of empty, frosted air and keenly observant hoot-owls sounding their call of the damned. Enshrouded in my fall jacket and bulky spectacles, I pull my arms close to my body to preserve my body’s precious heat and defend myself from the attacks of Steven, a local homeless man of some physical stature.

Now I sit alone in a dimly-lit teacher’s workroom. By the light of my computer monitor, I silently consume a McDonalds Bacon, Egg, and Cheese Biscuit and think of happier times long past. Once I was a man. Now, I am but an egg-consuming shadow. Perhaps time will redeem my squandered years, perhaps not.

On this chilled, shady morning, I now realize that this blog is all I have left…

Remember me.

You know, people are always coming up to me and asking, “Peter, how do you do it?”

“How do you stay so young and vibrant? Where does your boundless exuberance and vitality come from? How does your handshake remain so firm and reassuring?”

“How have you maintained your positive outlook on life? How do you keep your eyebrows and fingernails so immaculately groomed? Where did you learn to flash that rugged, disarming smile that we all love so much?”

“How does your beard somehow combine the sentisitity of Michael Gross with the full-bodied ruggedness of Dan Haggarty? What do you apply to your skin to keep it so supple and ageless? When did your thighs become so toned and explosive?”

When approached this way, I will chuckle warmly, offer a hearty slap on the back, and thank them for their kind words. I continue rubbing my hand in concentric circles across their back as I tell them that my secret is a simple, yet elusive self-confidence. Ignoring mountains of evidence to the contrary, I go on smiling and squatting and tossing my head back in laughter - the cumulative effect is part Tom Cruise, part Napoleon, part Baloo the cartoon bear. People can’t get enough of it.

You should try it sometime. You won’t believe how popular it will make you. Also, it will get you a hot wife.

Feel free to take me out to dinner sometime to thank me.