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	<title>The John Larroquette Project</title>
	<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com</link>
	<description>Unnerving word patterns</description>
	<lastBuildDate>Sun, 14 Mar 2010 15:07:04 +0000</lastBuildDate>
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	<item>
		<title>Spring Break Once Again</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Spring break!
Turn off your space heaters, take off your shirts, and grab the garden hose!  It&#8217;s time to suck on some spring break until we puke!
The next ten days will be the most sun-soaked, fun-filled, foul-mouthed days of our lives!  We&#8217;re going to live like 13th century Mongol chieftans, except without all the [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2010/03/11/spring-break-once-again/</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>A Celebratory Supper</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Return, my estranged readers!  Gather round for an opulent supper feast!
A fourteen course meal indulging every perverse, insatiable lusting of your craven flesh has been prepared!  Seat yourselves around my table and prepare yourselves.  Make certain that the waistbands of your pants are fashioned from the finest elastic, because the gratification we [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2010/03/10/supper/</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Collapse by Jared Diamond</title>
		<description><![CDATA[After many months of oft-inturrupted reading, I finally finished up Jared Diamond&#8217;s Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed.

I was a huge fan of Diamond&#8217;s Pulitzer Prize-winning Guns, Germs, &#038; Steel; it has influenced my world history and geography classes significantly (I like to have my students consider to what degree societies are bound [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2010/03/08/collapse-by-jared-diamond/</link>
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		<title>Jack of Diamonds</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Hey guys, it&#8217;s me, the Jack of Diamonds.

I know it isn&#8217;t customary for your average playing card to speak up, but it&#8217;s time.  I&#8217;m tired of getting overlooked by those other fancy face cards and your aces and whatnot.  Seriously, if you guys knew what a total a-holes the jokers are, there&#8217;s no [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2010/03/05/jack-of-diamonds/</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>A New Friend</title>
		<description><![CDATA[It&#8217;s a full moon tonight!

I hope I finally see a werewolf!  I&#8217;ve always wondered what it would be like to see a werewolf in person.  I bet it would be like the time I shook Kirby Puckett&#8217;s hand when I was 14, except the werewolf would be taller and I would have less [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2010/03/02/a-new-friend/</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Laundryshame</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Bridgette left me at home alone last night with the boy and a short list of chores.  Among them was to finish the laundry, and to assist me she left me a helpful note of the items that should not be placed in the dryer, lest they shrink.  Certainly this was a reasonable [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2010/02/25/laundryshame/</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Cat Love</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Late last night, my wife was awakened by an unnatural love.

Ben Franklin, having been denied the affections of his masters since the arrival of their son, took a firm grasp on his feminine friend Mona and attempted to take things to the next level.  He did this despite the fact that his precious testes [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2010/02/24/cat-love/</link>
			</item>
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		<title>Presidents Day</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Today is Presidents Day, where we honor Abraham Lincoln for slowly plunging a dagger between Jefferson Davis&#8217; ribs to bring a just end to the War Between the States.  Also, the other presidents are honored.
As a history teacher by trade, I would like to imagine that this blog can serve to educate as well [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2010/02/15/presidents-day-2/</link>
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	<item>
		<title>Raisin-Related Meanderings</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Check out this awesome raisin, you guys!

Wow!  Don&#8217;t you just want to put that fat, wrinkly son of a bitch in your mouth and suck it?  It&#8217;s even better than normal since it has brown sugar all over it!  It&#8217;s like slathering a delicious Wendy&#8217;s Double Stack in Miracle Whip &#8211; the [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2010/02/12/raisin-related-meanderings/</link>
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		<title>A Reconsideration</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Yesterday, a friend suggested that my blog posts have recently taken on a dark, sour overtone.
After I told my friend to shut up and mind his own business, I wondered if perhaps he had a point, so I went back and re-read my posts from the last few weeks.  There was a violent Wendy&#8217;s-related [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2010/02/11/a-reconsideration/</link>
			</item>
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		<title>Tuesday Morning Double Stack</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Whose groin do I have to punch to get a Wendy&#8217;s Double Stack around here?

I know that it&#8217;s 8am, and I know there&#8217;s a snowstorm outside, but I&#8217;m about to start snapping some femurs if I don&#8217;t see a hot Wendy&#8217;s Double Stack in front of me pretty soon.  I&#8217;m serious.  In fact, [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2010/02/09/tuesday-morning-double-stack/</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Ian Ziering Update</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Great news, everybody!  &#8216;90210&#8242; star Ian Ziering is engaged!

Even better news!  Ian Ziering is alive!
Our old rapscallious friend Steve Sanders is finally tying the knot after years of being recognized as a vaguely familiar wisp of our collective memories!  Way to go, Ian!
You might have recognized an bronzed, hairplugged brute claiming to [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2010/02/04/ian-ziering-update/</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Facing the Facts as Presented by a Cow and Pig</title>
		<description><![CDATA[PSSSST!
Come over here, &#8217;cause we got a message for you!

That&#8217;s right.  You are ugly.
Listen up, we should know ugly.  After all, we&#8217;re a cow and a pig.  You ever seen either of us eating from up close?  Trust us, we know ugly when we see it, and you are ugly.
Even the [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2010/02/02/facing-the-facts-as-presented-by-a-cow-and-pig/</link>
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		<title>My Annual Cold Weather in January Post</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Cold enough for you?

Blast, it&#8217;s cold outside!  It&#8217;s colder than a witch&#8217;s mammary gland!  When that frigid air hits your lungs, it feels like Reggie Jackson taking his 35oz. Louisville Slugger to your ribs!  It ain&#8217;t natural!
It&#8217;s so cold out, it makes me want to curl up under a blanket and watch [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2010/01/28/my-annual-cold-weather-in-january-post/</link>
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		<title>Sunday Morning Bullet Hole</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Gather around, children of all ethnicities!  Come and see the wonderful gift of North Minneapolis!

It&#8217;s a bullet hole in our garage!
Yes, that&#8217;s right!  On Saturday night, the North Minneapolis Fairy fired a gun near our home and teens (presumably wearing oversized white t-shirts and black do-rags underneath their parkas and stocking caps) went [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2010/01/25/sunday-morning-bullet-hole/</link>
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	<item>
		<title>The Favreing</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Back in 2004, I wrote a smug little post about Brett Favre having tossed up an idiotic interception at crunch time in the playoffs.
In 2008, I took more digs after it appeared that another foolish interception in a Packers loss in overtime of the NFC Championship game would be his last throw as an NFL [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2010/01/24/the-favreing/</link>
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	<item>
		<title>Goosey Goosey Gander</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Last night I was reading a book of nursery rhymes to Oliver before putting him to bed.  This has become something that I enjoy tremendously, not so much for the father-son bonding, but for the fact that so many of our beloved nursery rhymes are actually very, very disturbing.
Here&#8217;s a favorite that I read [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2010/01/21/goosey-goosey-gander/</link>
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		<title>The Silly Goose</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Hey look!  Its a goose!

Are you a silly goose?  Yes you are a silly goose!  You waddle and frolic in the sunshine puddles!  You love to eat bread don&#8217;t you, you silly goose?  All you ever do is eat bread and squawk and befriend children of all colors!
I love you, [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2010/01/12/the-silly-goose/</link>
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	<item>
		<title>American Icicle</title>
		<description><![CDATA[On this most glorious Sunday morning, Bridgette and I returned from our workout to find the most majestic, awesome icicle ever beheld by human eyes hanging from our very own garage.

Estimated by scientists to measure more than 15 feet in length and weigh 75 pounds, this icicle embodied all that is mighty and pure about [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2010/01/10/american-icicle/</link>
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	<item>
		<title>Ten Years Ago</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Please allow me to indulge in this brief moment of sincerity, inspired by Adam&#8217;s recent post.
Ten years ago&#8230;
-I weighed about 80 pounds more than I do today.
-I was at the most depressed, emotionally screwed up point in my life.  
-I had managed to push away most of my closest friends through a series of [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2010/01/06/ten-years-ago/</link>
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		<title>Tostada Time</title>
		<description><![CDATA[I could really go for a tostada right now.
I&#8217;m serious dudes, I am famished right now.  It&#8217;s still morning and I&#8217;m bleary eyed from my shame, but I could eat the biggest, fattest tostada you ever saw.  I would eat it so fast that you would get nauseous from watching me do it.
Anybody [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2010/01/05/tostada-time/</link>
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		<title>Paul McCartney: A Life by Peter Ames Carlin</title>
		<description><![CDATA[This has been a Christmas break filled with shoveling, sleeplessness, and a sickly infant.  Probably not my favorite, most restful week ever.  On the bright side, I did have a chance to cruise through Peter Ames Carlin&#8217;s new biography, Paul McCartney: A Life.  

Regular readers of my blog know that I&#8217;m a [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2009/12/31/paul-mccartney-a-life-by-peter-ames-carlin/</link>
			</item>
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		<title>My Crying Child</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Bridgette and I are going on 70+ hours of Oliver crying inconsolably whenever he isn&#8217;t sleeping.  He had a cold, then got another cold, and now has a sore throat.  We&#8217;ve tried soothing him every way we can, but the doctors said we just have to help him endure while the virus takes [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2009/12/30/my-crying-child/</link>
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		<title>The Pickle Strainer</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Bridgette and I have returned from our family&#8217;s Christmas celebration with a bundle of lovely gifts and a sick baby in tow.  Everything proceded splendidly with the exception of our child&#8217;s untimely illness and the injury I sustained from eating the Christmas cookie with a needle in it I got from a profanity-spouting homeless [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2009/12/28/the-pickle-strainer/</link>
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		<title>Favorite Music of 2009</title>
		<description><![CDATA[I am among several people who enjoys listening to music.  I will now summarize for you, the sensual, gyrating masses, my favorite new music of 2009.  Feel free to obtain this music for yourself and thank me later when your life becomes awesome.
Favorite Albums
Avett Brothers &#8211; I and Love and You

This was my [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2009/12/20/favorite-music-of-2009/</link>
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		<title>Early Arrival</title>
		<description><![CDATA[It appears that I&#8217;m the first person to arrive for work today.  As I write this, it is 6:40am and I&#8217;m sitting in a dimly-lit workroom, still bundled and bloated in my winter coat like a sentient, depressed Chipotle burrito.
I got up this morning much earlier than usual to assist my lovely wife with [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2009/12/15/early-arrival/</link>
			</item>
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		<title>Forgotten Martin</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Yesterday, in the company of my two brothers, we spent considerable time playing historical trivia games (via the excellent sporcle.com), as brothers and dorks are wont to do.
My assigned challenge was to name all 44 U.S. presidents from memory.  I accepted the task with a messy clearing of my throat and a gutteral summoning [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2009/12/12/forgotten-martin/</link>
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		<title>Another Inappropriately Descriptive Malt-O-Meal Post</title>
		<description><![CDATA[I’m eating Malt-O-Meal again.  It is chocolate flavored and makes me whole.

Eating this Malt-O-Meal is a wonderful experience.  It is like savoring a warm spoonful of nostalgia and calcium phosphate.  With mechanical precision I eagerly begin my feast upon the creamy wheat essence; my eyes are staring into the middle distance and [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2009/12/09/another-inappropriately-descriptive-malt-o-meal-post/</link>
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		<title>Mailing In More Oliver Pics</title>
		<description><![CDATA[In lieu of actual original content, today I am proud to offer you, my supple readers, lively images of my seven week old son positioned hilariously alongside my pithy commentary.  Other blogs might charge as much as $99 such material, but the JLP is pleased to offer it to you free of charge!  [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2009/12/01/mailing-in-more-oliver-pics/</link>
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		<title>Estimated Property Damage Inflicted in National Lampoon&#8217;s Christmas Vacation</title>
		<description><![CDATA[In this blog&#8217;s grand tradition of ceaselessly providing essential public services, here is a detailed invoice of the estimated property damage inflicted in the 1989 hit film National Lampoon&#8217;s Christmas Vacation (in 2009 dollars):

-Windows shattered by the unveiling of oversized Christmas tree: 2 windows at $700 each
-Superflouous destruction from tree: $100
-Yuppie neighbors&#8217; high end stereo [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/2009/11/28/estimated-property-damage-inflicted-in-national-lampoons-christmas-vacation/</link>
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