http://johnlarroquetteproject.com Unnerving word patterns Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:31:57 +0000 http://backend.userland.com/rss092 en America loves Michael Phelps! He won 8 gold medals! He won his races by a combined 1/100th of a second! He has nearly exposed his pubic region to millions of adoring viewers on multiple occasions! And now, he must marry Sasha Cohen. Think of the greater good that would be brought ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/08/19/the-phelpschild/ You want some orange juice? I’ve got a tall glass of delicious orange juice right now. I just had a sip. It was tart and sweet, like a compliment from a hated ethnic rival. You want to take a drink from my glass of orange juice? You’re ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/08/18/orange-juice/ Here's a golden chestnut from the Rock TV vault - a promo for a Rock barn dance from 2000: This video pre-dates my involvement in Rock TV, but it was always one of my favorites. I remember particularly enjoying the pumpkins arbitrarily setting on fire after they've been run over. For ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/08/14/rock-tv-the-barn-dance-promo/ Today marks my last real day of summer vacation. Tomorrow through Friday, I will be working shifts at my second job, and my weekend is already filled up with various endeavors sure to leave me wracked with shame and ill-cheer. On Monday, I return to school for teacher ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/08/12/this-is-the-end/ In an effort to satiate your unquenchable lust for all things cabin-related, here are a few more photographs. These are from our friends the Bergs, who were apparently there. Is this what Bridgette and I really look like when we're standing together? Can that be right? Is our ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/08/08/more-cabin-pics/ The stinky men with the stringy mullets came to our house! They made our sun room all dusty and banged on things. Then they installed new windows! The one with the leathery skin and chewing tobacco did most of the work. He used loud machines to cut things and put ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/08/07/new-windows/ As you may recall, I spent my weekend at a remote cabin with a few friends and Kevin. As you have safely assumed, the time was ill-spent and unpleasant. In addition to the photographs that Ted has already shared, here are several images from our time in Bena, MN. ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/08/06/cabin-pics-08/ Nourish yourselves, my children, on the thick, sweet milk of this new Rock TV: A few years back, Rock TV did a video called The Viewmaster, a collection of short sketches that didn't really turn out as well as we'd hoped. For a long while, the talk within the ministry ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/08/01/the-viewmaster-part-2/ On this dark and stormy morn I am refreshed at the thought of the weekend that lies before me - yet another strange and mysterious visit to my grandparents' cabin. Long the site of many of my life's most cherished secrets and depraved straddlings, this cabin is a mighty ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/07/31/my-cabin-post-for-2008/ Come to the pool with me! Hurry up, the pool will be closing soon! Together we can laugh and shout in the splish-splashing sunshine! If we get there soon, you can sit atop my shoulders as we glide through the pool and delight in the summertime sensations! Then we can ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/07/25/the-pool/ Perhaps my greatest pleasure this summer has been the opportunity to read Doris Kearns Goodwin’s acclaimed book, Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln. Not just another biography of our greatest president, Goodwin freshly illuminates the character of Lincoln by studying him alongside four of his most ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/07/22/team-of-rivals-by-doris-kearns-goodwin/ On this day, July 21st, 2008, I have reached the age of 30. Looking into the mirror this morning, I strained in search of signs of my body’s increasing decrepitude and infirmity. With some chagrin, I noted the dark areas and wrinkles beneath my eyes, as well as the budding ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/07/21/thirty/ Yesterday was occasioned by a visit from my steadfast brother Patrick, back from fighting forest fires near Big Sur, California. Needless to say, his heroism makes George Washington look like a swarthy, acne-ridden Spaniard in comparison. Here are several photographs he shared with me. I will now show them ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/07/18/fire/ Today, I'd like to announce my retirement from blogging. It's been a great four-and-a-half years for the John Larroquette Project. I've lived for the challenge of getting up in the morning and coming up with an idea to write about. The creative writing process is one that I've always ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/07/17/my-retirement/ My Dearest Richard- As I type this, the morning rain falls lightly on my sunroom awning, like a dwarf tossed from a blimp. The metallic percussion delights my ears, but has proven a fright to my cat Ben Franklin, who otherwise spends his mornings sprawled across the floor like a ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/07/16/the-results-of-reading-too-many-civil-war-era-letters/ I am a man, mightier than any since Cain smote his brother! This weekend, I built a fence for our backyard. It is a white picket PVC fence that would cause Tom Sawyer to defile himself with its beauty. Behold! Did you just defecate yourselves with envy? Do you need to ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/07/14/the-fence/ A few weeks on, here’s a rundown of where we’re standing with the problems related to the break-in of our house by reckless teens: It appears the people who broke into our house and stole our car, having been witnessed by at least three people committing the crimes in question, will ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/07/11/extra-bonus-burglary-bits/ About a year ago, Rock TV finished a video called America's Next Top Pastor. As our videos go, it was a decently successful satire on some of the issues in the American church today, particularly regarding people's expectations of their pastors - that they be "cool", relevant, funny, and ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/07/09/antp-flare-up/ While our car remains out of commission (more on that tomorrow), Bridgette and I continue to enjoy the cozy, golden confines of our rental 2008 Hyundai Elantra. With its beige interior serving as our moral and ethical center, the car has strengthened and comforted us during this time of ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/07/07/the-heart/ I'm at my parents house right now. I am relaxed and drinking from a can of Coca-Cola, a carbonated beverage of some repute. In what is believed to be the greatest development in human history since the invention of books about Abraham Lincoln, AMC is showing the 1985 smash hit ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/07/01/teen-wolf/ Over the weekend, in a doomed effort to get our minds off all things criminal, Bridgette and I hosted a number of friends and family in a joint celebration of our 30th birthdays this summer. It was a wonderful testament to the power of friendship and watermelon slices. Now I ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/06/30/30th-birthday-party-recap/ An actual conversation while getting ready for work this morning... WIFE: Do you hear that overhead fan? That hum is really annoying. ME: Yeah, I hear it. WIFE: Is there a way to fix it? ME: No, but check this out. *begins to hum a harmony tone along with the fan* WIFE:... ME: ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/06/26/the-little-things/ A few updates from the Fun-Time Sugar-Burglary over the weekend: --- The cops have, in fact, located our Toyota Camry. They found it on 35th and Logan, smack-dab in the middle of the most pleasant neighborhood in Christendom. It is still considered evidence in an ongoing investigation, however, so we ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/06/25/more-burglary-bits/ So my weekend basically sucked. Here are some notable details: On Saturday afternoon, while we were out, some lovely individuals broke into our house. They shattered the window slats on our sunroom, cut the screen, and wandered through the house. They rummaged through drawers, and took my new ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/06/23/break-in/ As many of you know, graduating from college is a special time in a young person's life. Take my brother Brian, for instance. He recently graduated from the University of St. Thomas, with a degree in mechanical engineering or sandwiches or something. My sister Julia and I did our best to ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/06/20/brians-friend/ Last night I stayed up till almost midnight finishing up Victor Davis Hanson’s A War Like No Other: How the Athenians and Spartans Fought the Peloponnesian War. This was not a book I was able to cruise through easily - instead I’ve worked hard over the last 11 months ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/06/19/a-war-like-no-other-by-victor-davis-hanson/ The balkanized world of presidential politics today is funny in and of itself. Nobody believes anybody, positions are established and entrenched before data are presented, and responses to new developments on the trail appear scripted before the developments even occur. People are frothing at the mouth with fear ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/06/17/liberal-punning-at-its-finest/ This weekend, while spending time with my wife's family in the cosmopolitan, iron-rich town of Virginia, MN, I came across something important. Nestled deep in the snug, untouched confines of an old bookshelf (tucked in next to Cool Cos) I found a great treasure. Yellowed and thin, with ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/06/16/katie-kittenheart/ Over the last week, I've pounded my way through 1776, by David McCullough, a spare, compelling account of the events that kept America afloat during that pivotal year. Dismissing an analysis of the political philosophy of the era (the Declaration of Independance merits about two pages), or a tedious ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/06/12/book-review-1776/ It's the last day of school. Let us pause now, to remember those who could not be with us today: the insolent, the insular, the insatiable, and the insane. Join hands with me and genuflect in solemn reverence toward those accursed souls who must now spend the next two months writhing in ... http://johnlarroquetteproject.com/archives/2008/06/11/another-year-shot-to-hell/